Will this be my last Christmas? Will I always have the sword of Damocles dangling above my head? Will my children be able to grow up normally? Am I going to suffer?
Feeling afraid is a part of life. But fear takes on a different dimension when we are diagnosed with cancer. It lives in us every day, sometimes twisting up our insides when we are not expecting it. We can see it in the eyes of our friends and family and at times in the eyes of other people. And while fear is natural, sometimes even beneficial, we can’t let it govern our lives. Instead, let us learn to understand it and tame it so it comes along with us on all of our paths in life without shackling us.
Why it is normal to be afraid?
We often think that courage is a lack of fear and so we tend to want to hide or reject our fears because they are shameful or a symbol of cowardice. In reality, fear is a natural feeling, even a helpful one. It drives our survival instincts and enables us to stay out of harm’s way.
We fear cancer because it threatens our life. We are afraid to die and we are afraid because we’ve heard a hundred different things about the figures, the chances, the side effects, etc. and we are especially afraid that we no longer have any control. It’s mainly this loss of control that spurs on our fear, a form of powerlessness when confronting what is going to happen to us.
It is natural to be afraid of our life ending and of this thing that we no longer have any real control over.
And where is courage in all this? In having lived with this illness, seen the fear in our loved ones’ eyes and confronted our own, we are completely certain of one thing: fighting on and continuing to progress despite our fear, this shows incredible courage, which deserves admiration.
What do you do to keep fear from paralysing you?
Finally, once you realise that fear is completely normal, the problem is now something else. In certain cases, fear takes up too much space in our daily feelings until it consumes our entire mind and becomes too burdensome.
Understanding and accepting our fears because they are normal is already the first step to limiting their impact on our lives. By understanding why we’re scared, we learn to recognise this feeling and manage it better.
Discussing your fears with a therapist
When your fears take up too much headspace, it can be helpful to talk about them with a person who can listen about them without judging or absorbing them.
While talking to a loved one about it can be a solution for some of you, we strongly recommend that you talk with a therapist who is fully capable of helping you assuage your fears.
How do you choose the right psychologist?
Start by asking for advice in your hospital. There will certainly be an on-staff psychologist or they can provide you with a list of psychologists to contact first.
If some of your loved ones have already asked and recommend someone in particular, that may also be a viable option.
Next, remember that therapy is based on dialogue. You need to find the right therapist for you. If you don’t feel comfortable after two or three sessions, don’t hesitate to explain this to the psychologist who can then refer you to someone else. It is necessary to take your time to find the right person.
Once you’ve established a dialogue, you can start to overcome your fears.
Relieving your anxieties
For some people, fear manifests itself more physically, from minor feelings of sickness to anger as well as panic attacks.
All of these manifestations are ways in which you release built-up emotions, and if they are particularly unpleasant to experience, they can sometimes lead to a welcome sense of relief after the panic has subsided.
To not get to that point and experience the comfort of a more stable mood, you can explore different ways to make yourself feel good so you can find what works best for you. Here are a few ideas to look into, which come from many discussions that we’ve had with our community over the last several years:
- Practising meditation to learn how to escape from yourself
- Practising sophrology
- Engaging in light physical activity: walking, yoga, etc.
- Manual activities: gardening, drawing, painting, doing puzzles, etc.
- Writing to put your emotions down on paper
- Treating yourself well with a nice bath or massage
Or even ideas that help you immediately let off steam:
- At-home karaoke where you sing as loud as possible
- Dancing to your favourite music
- Screaming into a pillow
- Having a good cry. It can make you feel better!
Feel free to share with us in the comments the small things you do to relieve anxiety.
What about fear?
Anger is often connected to fear and can be a very different emotion to experience for you and your loved ones. We feel the best thing is for you to talk openly about it with your friends and family so they can better understand how you feel, and above all talk about it with your therapist who can give you the right tools to manage your anger with greater calm.
I see the fear in others and that makes me think of my illness
You can sometimes see the fear in the eyes of your loved ones and this can be more difficult to go through than your own fear. But seeing fear in our family (children, partner, parents, siblings, etc.) is often hurtful, even more so given that you have less control over their fears than you own.
Again we feel it’s best for you to first talk openly with your family to bring the subject out into the open. And so everyone can have a safe place and a way out, it may be worthwhile for your family to seek out therapy, even go to family therapy.
For your children, you first talk with your psychologist or your medical team so they can direct you a bit on the best way to bring up the subject with your children as gently as possible. Consulting a child psychologist can also be an option, even a recommended one.
In any case, don’t hesitate to ask for help so you can provide the most support possible to your family circle. You cannot (and should not) absorb all the fears of your family members. It is a personal journey that they need to make with healthcare professionals who have the expertise for it.
We hope that these few pieces of advice can help you mitigate your fears and do what’s needed so your family can support you as calmly as possible. Feel free to share with us your advice in the comments.
You can also join in the discussion on social media with #SansTabou.
